It was with some amusement that I heard that the head of the Inquisition has become the Pope. Doubtless he threatened his fellow cardinals with the terror of the comfy chair (apologies to Monty Python) until they, er, received divine guidance and gave him the job.
The scene: the office of a volunteer AIDS worker in Africa. The volunteer is delicately asking about the sexual history of a patient.
Worker: "So, do you know if you might have been put at risk?"
Patient: "Crikey, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition..."
The door flies open, and in bursts Cardinals Fang, Biggles and Ratzinger, accompanied by the sound made when an organist dies on the keyboard.
Ratzinger: "AHA! Nobody expects the Vatican Inquisition! Our chief weapons are surprise, terror and electing a really old Pope since dead Popes make for great media coverage!" (aside) "Who said the church was out of touch, eh?"
Worker: "Wha? Who are you?"
Ratzinger: "We are the Vatican Inquisition! We are here because of this!"
(grabs a pamphlet advocating safe sexual practices from the table and waves it around. Biggles and Fang say "Oooo", camply.)
Ratzinger: "And these!"
(grabs a packet of condoms and holds it in the air triumphantly. Biggles and Fang say "Aaaah" even more camply. Biggles surreptiously slips a packet into his robe.)
Ratzinger: "These are an afront to the Church! Confess your guilt! Confess! Confess!"
Worker: "I don't know what the heck you're talking about. Get out of my office, I have a patient here!"
Ratzinger: "Won't confess, eh? Well, we in the Inquisition know how to extract the truth! Cardinal Biggles! Bring forth the Marigolds Of Divine Justice!"
Biggles (looking at his feet and shuffling nervously): "Forgot 'em. Left 'em in the sink with the washing up"
Ratzinger (eyes rolling): "Ok, then hand me... The Fluffy Slippers Of Theological Intervention!"
(Fang lifts his robe and removes his slippers. They are pink, and have smiley rabbit faces on the toes. Ratzinger proceeds to smite the worker with them.)
Worker: "Ow! Stoppit! Those things stink!"
Ratzinger: "Oh for Gods sake. This isn't working." (aside) "In the old days we'd at least have had a rack or something. Things'll change when I'm Pope, you know. Things'll change..." (back to worker) "I hope you've learnt your lesson!"
(with a flourish, he and his Cardinals leave the room. A minute later Fang returns to collect the slippers. He waves one at the worker in a vaguely threatening manner before departing, tripping up on his robe as he does so)
