Today's post is the result of navel gazing. Readers expecting to find the usual slightly cynical outlook of Newly Single should check back later for a post which'll be about drugs and probably be more entertaining than this one.
Everyone gone? Good.
Here's something I've been pondering for a while. Did I ever truly love The Ex? And if so, how was it so quick and easy to fall out of love? For example, the other night when she called asking to 'try again' there wasn't a trace of desire within me to do so. When I look at her, I don't see the woman I was prepared to grow and old with, I see someone who appears to have taken to dressing like a rather badly wrapped parcel (mainly because the clothes she used to have are now all several sizes too small.) I mean, I know The Boyfriend is blind, but surely the sense of touch is unaffected?
More importantly, I don't see the person with whom I went to watch the fireworks this time last year, and outside I can hear the fireworks of this year taking flight.
I didn't think that love was something that could be switched on and off so quickly. I figured it was a feeling so strong that cannot be resisted by rationality and would eventually turn into companionship as the years went by so that life without the other ceases to be an option.
But if thats true, how can I explain the fact that I'm feeling more upset that I forgot to cancel a taxi this afternoon and so incurred a charge for the company I work for than the fact that the supposed love of my life is living with someone else? I don't like The Ex, I don't hate The Ex, I just feel... nothing.
Could it be that I fooled myself all these years? What I'd thought was love was just maintaining the status quo?
Did I ever truly love The Ex? Did she realise, and that was why she left me for someone who could?
And now, with the benefit of hindsight, I don't think I did. I said the words, made the vows, did the actions, but my heart remained cold. I married her because of something Bad that happened. I tried to love her, I gave up such a lot, but I don't think it was enough. And I think maybe she knew. She realised before I did.
