This post is a thoughtful/self-serving whiny one. Readers preferring old skool Newly should skip down the page to posts about dropping mobile phones in beer and having needles stuck in one's bottom by a beautiful woman.
Still here?
So I didn't ask the physio for a drink. The same way I didn't ask the receptionist out. The same way I won't attempt to be more than friends with the lady I talked about a few weeks ago.
As I sat in the cold outside the hospital, I suddenly understood the problem. I can't remember a time since I've been dating that I've made the first move. The dates I've had (the waitress, the hairdresser, etc) have all been instigated by the other side. Whenever I've tried, I've... stalled. Thats perhaps the best word. Frozen up. Changed the subject. And then I've let these people drift away.
I never used to be like this wayback when.
I'd been deluding myself; as I replayed conversations and scenarios in my head while condensation began to freeze on the windscreens of cars parked nearby, things became clearer. Everything looked a little different.
I realised that I'm quite a bit more fucked up than I thought. I'd hidden the loss of confidence under a layer of bravado. I'd been dumped after 14 years for a short, blind, bald guy who is as old as my father. I look in the mirror and see someone who didn't measure up. I'm not the sort of person you'd see across a crowded room and think 'wow'
Yeah, it has pretty much destroyed my self esteem and confidence. So much so that I'm terrified of instigating or pursuing a relationship for fear of rejection.
Realising this is perhaps another step on the road to normality (or at least as normal as I want to be.)
