Readers who've never heard of the infamous Monty Python dead parrot sketch, or who are liable to get offended about me making fun of a serious situation should return tomorrow, when there'll be a nice First-born related post followed by the first Amsterdam photos. The rest of you... read on...
Is it me, or is there something of the Python about this whole Arafat situation?
The scene: Intensive care at an anonymous French hospital. The reception are looks suspiciously like a badly built BBC set. Of a London pet shop. Michael Palin, with an outrageous French accent, is behind the counter. John Cleese, with a towel on his head, strides in with a humourous walk.
Cleese: "'Ello. I wish to register a complaint"
Palin: "Sorry, we're closing for croissants and sheep burning, can't help you guv."
Cleese: "Never mind that, I wish to complain about this 'ere World Leader what I left not 24 hours ago in this very 'ospital"
Palin: "Oh, yeah, the Palestinian Blue. Whats wrong with it?"
Cleese: "Whats wrong with it? I'll tell you whats wrong with it. Its dead. Thats whats wrong with it."
Palin: "Nah, nah - its resting - look!"
Cleese: "Look my lad, I know a dead World Leader when I see one. I met Breznehev. And I'm looking at a similarly dead World Leader right now."
Palin: "No. Its resting. Lovely example of a World Leader this. Marvellous head gear."
Cleese: "All right then, I'll wake it up" (shouts) "'Ello Yassar! George Bush has promised to concede the election when you wake up!"
Palin: "There, it moved."
Cleese: "No it didn't. That was you pushing the bed."
Palin: "No I didn't."
Cleese: "Yes, you did." (props up deceased figure and shakes his hand) "'Ello Yassar! Sharon has withdrawn from the West Bank" (he releases his hand and the figure flops back onto the bed) "Now that is what I call a dead World Leader."
Palin: "No, no it's stunned."
Cleese: "Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. This World Leader is definitely deceased. When I checked on it not half an hour ago you assured me that the lack of activity on the brain scan was due to it being worn out after a particularly tricky crossword."
Palin: "Its probably pining for the fjords."
Cleese: "Fjords? There are no bloody fjords in Palestine!"
Palin: "Its just resting. It'll wake up in a minute."
Cleese: "Look, I took the liberty of examining that brain scan machine you used the hour before. The only reason there was a squiggly line on it then was because you drew it on with a biro."
Palin: "Well, I had to do that. Otherwise it might have overloaded the machine. Tricky crossword and all."
Cleese: "Overloaded the machine? This World Leader wouldn't show any brain activity if you plugged 4000 volts into it. It. Is. Dead."
Palin: "It's not, its pining."
Cleese: "It's not pining. It's passed on. This World Leader is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late World Leader. Bereft of life, it lies in state. If you hadn't propped the eyelids open with matches, it would be in calm repose. This is an ex-World Leader."
Palin: "Well. I'd better replace it then. Got a special on Hamas this week."
Cleese: (to camera) "If you want to get anything done in this country, you've got to complain until you're blue in the mouth."
...and if I've really upset any lunatics in possession of weaponary, my real name is Tony Blair, and you'll find me at 10 Downing Street, London.
