I am a relative newcomer to the scene of recreational substances; my vast and varied experience to date being sitting in dingy rooms as a student while a foul-smelling roll-up was passed around and a one-time disasterous flirtation with a pill given to me by a friend that I was assured would "blow my mind" but instead gave me a lost evening and a difficulty in focussing for a couple of days after.
In retrospect, my relationship with illegal substances was all too brief. I met The Ex and put all that behind me with a delusional lack of regret.
So, on The List Of Stuff To Do Before I Die (between 'Threesome' and 'Twister' - or a combination of the two) I have 'Try A Variety Of Illegal Substances'. Based on the experience of the weekend, I have tried to define the levels of, er, experience:
Level 1. Stoned.
This is relatively mild. The world is a little bit sparkly and everyone is, well, just great. This must be how Nicholas Parsons sees the world. Which means I probably need quite a bit more, which brings us to...
Level 2. Caned.
Ok, so now things are getting interesting. Not a huge effect (and not the sophoric effect of alcohol) but a definite effect nonetheless. I mean, take the moon. Its just great, hanging there, you know? What do you reckon stops it falling into the sea? My IQ has dropped to the level of a Pop-Idol hopeful although I'm sure I'm saying really profound stuff. I've become a politically active Hollywood star; spouting crap about stuff I really don't know much about. But I'm sure I'm not feeling any effects, I must just be stronger than other people, so I take some more...
Level 3. Monged.
This is interesting. This must be what life is like for Ozzy Osbourne on a daily basis. The world keeps slowing down and speeding up at random. I've got the attention span of a goldfish - everything is interesting for about 3 seconds and then I move on. I can't settle - conversation, playstation, music, conversation, dvd. It changes. I'm entranced by the beauty of a picture, the thunder of Holst and the taste of the night air. Unfortunately I've lost the ability to put it into words that make sense to anyone but me, although everyone looks really interested.
Level -1. Sober.
I wake up, 14 hours later with no ill-effects. Box ticked on the list. No desire to do it again...
But I am in Amsterdam this weekend...
