Another thing the English are bad at is talking about anything medically personal. We don't like to make a fuss. Our European friends will cheerfully visit their medical professionals and have refreshingly blunt conversations like "Oh ya - ven I pee it comes out green and my bowels - zey are misbehaving" but to do similar here would be... un-British.
This can lead to some interesting one-sided conversations in the doctor's surgery while the medico in question tries to understand what the patient is trying to tell him. This in turn leads to some interesting, ah, diagnoses. As I found out this morning.
You see, ever since Friday's Smirnoff escapade I've been doing a passable impression of the Exorcist (the throwing up bit) after every meal. I'm sure its just a virus although a friend suggested archly that the 9 pints of beer and 10 bottles of some alco-pop (replete with a free shot for every bottle) may be a contributing factor. So I figured it was time to see a doctor.
The conversation went thusly:
He (loud and cheerful - a man for whom the exclamation mark is a way of life): "Mr. Single! Come in! In for some more pain-killers for the back?"
"Well, actually no. Although I could use a resupply..."
He: "No problem! No problem!" (scrawling on a bit of green paper in that strange Doctor-language that bears little or no resemblance to English) - "Anything else?"
Me: "Erm. Yes. Look, its a bit embarrassing, but I-"
He: "Understood, old boy! Understood! Back still playing up? Spinal injuries can do that. See! Your notes said you might have a problem in that department as well as the leg going numb."
Me (totally confused - what on earth does busting my back in October have to do with throwing up now?): "Er, really?"
He: "Oh yes, its very common with lower spinal cord damage. Well, I'm sure the old NHS will be able to help you out! Now, I'm going to prescribe a short course of Viagra - just 4 tablets - and come back next week and let me know how you get on!"
Me: "...Wha?"
He: "Its perfectly alright! No need to be embarrassed. Remember that it takes about 20 minutes to take effect and you obviously need to be - ahem - aroused!"
Me: "But-"
He: "Same time next week then!"
And with that, the consultation was over. So, not only am I still throwing up after every meal, now it looks like I won't be able to bend over the toilet pan either.
