The cat gazed at me with a glare of baleful malevolence during my stumbling about this house this morning. No sympathy from that quarter, it would seem.

I was briefly tempted to exact my revenge upon it for all the little pools of love it has left for my bare feet to find of an evening. This crossed my mind.

But sanity prevailed and I merely prodded the evil creature with a toe before drinking a bottle of mouthwash. Yes, it would seem that the Beer Monkey joined me on my night of debauched behaviour last night.

"Who is the Beer Monkey?" I hear you cry. The Beer Monkey is the creature which, after a night out, empties your wallet and craps in your mouth. I've never seen him, but I know he must exist...