The Ex arrived to collect First-Born this morning. Last night was a First-Born night and the morning had been somewhat fraught - I'm kind of looking forward to the day when the child will skip happily into the bathroom rather than needing to be dragged to the Place Of Hairwashing with her fingernails carving grooves into the floor that I'll have trouble explaining to the landlady.
Of course, when that joyous day comes I've no doubt it'll be accompanied by unsuitable boys and a desire to tattoo the current beau's name on a sensitive part of her anatomy. Gosh, the teenage years will be fun. I'll have to get myself a flat with two bathrooms.
But I digress. The Ex looked at me appraisingly: "You've lost weight. How have you managed that? Are you trying to impress someone?"
"No. I've just given up beer again. And I eat salads." I toyed with idea of telling her about the circumcision lady, and thought better of it.
She sighed: "I wish I could lose a few pounds. I couldn't fit into the old wedding dress"
It took a moment for that little nugget in information to sink in.
"You're going to wear the dress you wore to our wedding? Next month? With The Boyfriend?"
"Well, I would, but the back won't fasten. New ones are really expensive."
I looked around. First-Born was downstairs, cleaning her teeth. I spoke quietly.
"Get out of my house. Right now. Take these bags and wait outside. Just get out of my sight."
She looked confused: "What? What?"
"If you can't work it out for yourself then ask The Boyfriend. And if you want to lose weight, I'd suggest cutting out the daily bottle of wine and getting so drunk you don't care what you eat."
Ordinarily I would have simply have kept those thoughts to myself. But you see, I learned something from circumcision lady (aside from her preferences) and this is that its sometimes best to say what you think. For The Ex, I think, it was like being savaged by a sheep.
It will be interesting to see what happens next. Me, I'm out tonight with friends. Seeing 'Team America' followed by a big bowl of chilli ramen in a Japanese eatery.
