Friday, January 07, 2005

Bellini Bear And The Fornicating Giraffes




"I really need a quiet night. Really. I do."

The fact that a light dusting of snow seems to bring Vancouver to a total standstill made it look increasingly likely that this would be the case. My plan for the evening was to wander from the hotel to a bar on the beach, drink myself into a stupor and play on the interesting looking quiz machine they had installed. My general knowledge is formidable; honed by many tedious christmases with the in-laws playing Trivial Pursuit and pretending not to notice my father-in-law cheating.

I brightened. I no longer had a father-in-law. Reasons to be cheerful part 1.

Reasons to be cheerful part 2 was a message from a Vancouverite journal reader suggesting meeting up. I was unsure, but The Bear likes to meet new people. As I waited in the hotel bar the waitress offered me the house speciality: deep fried spaghetti. I dutifully nibbled it and imagined the serving staff peering around the corner giggling: "He actually ate it! Go see if you can make him drink some of this cats pee..." but I wasn't in the mood for Budweiser.

Our party arrived, I learnt new things, and we headed out to Millstones. Highlight of the evening for me (aside from meeting fun people) was the suggestion that one of our party (who worked in London)'s 'bitch of a boss' could be turned into a happy, well adjusted person by, if not actual impregnation, certainly by getting laid. I love that expression. Naturally, I volunteered. However, the graphic descriptions of the anally retentive and controlling nature of this individual left me with the impression that intercourse would take the form of:

"What? You've finishd already?"
"Well, er, yeah, 60 minutes is a long time for a guy..."
"Well *I* haven't! Do it again, and this time DO IT RIGHT!"

Such a thing can dampen a man's ardour somewhat.

It was around this time that one member of our party constructed the scene below. Out of two of the giraffes from the Bellinis. Bellinis, for those that don't know, are a kind of alcoholic slush-puppie. I can only hope that Another Drink never reads this, otherwise my status as 'bloke' will be forever tarnished...




...and as for this picture. Well, maybe that gooey stuff isn't bellini after all. Oh deary, deary me...