This is the first in an occasional series of snippets of conversation with The Ex. This journal is, after all, my diary. These things need to be noted.
Like many guys, I snore. Particularly if I've been drinking or am overweight. Both at the same time is a recipe for disaster. And since being dumped, I've been drinking and piling on the pounds.
Since I was going to spend a week sharing a room with First-born, I figured that I'd have to deal with the snoring thing. A friend recommended a herbal thing that has a taste not unlike drinking the contents of an aromatherapy set. And according to First-born, it worked. The Ex heard about it:
She: "First-born tells me you've got this funny anti-snoring stuff"
Me: "Yep"
She: "Could I borrow it to try? The Boyfriend snores terribly and keeps me awake at night"
Me: (internal) "You have to be kidding me. I hope he makes your ears bleed"
Me: (external) "Oh, I'm sorry. I think I mislaid it."
She: "Tch. Can you remember what it was called?"
Me: (internal) "Yeah, it was an ice-pick. Stick it up his nose, Sharon Stone style"
Me: (external) "Oh, I think it was called 'Deep Heat' or something. You'll find it in the athletic injury section"
She: "Thanks! I'll get some tonight"
My external side wasn't as nice as it appears. For those that don't know, Deep Heat is a treatment for strained muscles. I was at stag party where the unfortunate groom has his manhood smeared in the stuff. I don't think I've ever heard anyone scream so loudly.
Well, up until the noise The Boyfriend makes when The Ex sticks it up his nose.
By the way, this is the second to last Sunday of my marriage.
